How were you in high school
I answered your question in today’s SchaefSpace! http://youtu.be/X3NJ3q2CChE
Why is it sometimes when everything is going as well as you'd hoped, you feel pretty empty inside? I'm finally writing, and improvising and doing everything I'd wanted to do, but I feel pretty alone, and like this was a dumb thing to want to do. Maybe I should just be hanging out with my friends and doing nothing like I used to?
I just answered your question in the first new ep of A SchaefSpace! Check it: http://youtu.be/LyMTPr_qSgM
It’s been seven years since we lost her. And it’s been a crazy seven years. She wasn’t there for me losing my “big break” job and having to humbly go back to my day job. She wasn’t there when my marriage fell apart and I got to learn about a new kind of grief, the kind that you blame yourself for. She wasn’t there when I got a dream job. She wasn’t there when I completely unexpectedly won an Emmy, something she always knew would happen. She wasn’t there when my heart was broken. She wasn’t there when friendships fractured and then healed again. She wasn’t there when I made my debut as a talk show host. She wasn’t there when they took that show away too soon. She wasn’t there when I uprooted my life to move to a new city. She wasn’t there when I started slipping into a quicksand of self-doubt and uncertainty. She’ll never meet the man I’ve found. She’ll never laugh at my new jokes. She’ll never be there for whatever’s next.
But I feel her in my bones. She’s here, laced in my DNA, flickering in my brain like an old movie, telling me to keep going.
When we had our show at MTV, I did an advice web series on the MTV site called “A SchaefSpace.” I enjoyed it so much I’m bringing it back, totally revamped. In it, I’ll answer your questions about whatever you’ve got on your mind. It’s gonna be fun, I’m really excited about it. It won’t launch for a week or two, but I’m gathering questions now. Submit them here (anonymously!) or e-mail me at ASchaefSpace@gmail.com.
I think I’m done watching The Bachelor. (And The Bachelorette. For the purpose of this article, I will only refer to The Bachelor, because it’s annoying to keep referring to both.)
As you may be aware, I have always been a HUGE fan of this franchise. The sketch I wrote about it for Nikki & Sara is one of my proudest achievements. I loved this show not because I believe in romance and fairy tales and The Journey, but because I thought the show was one of the best comedies on television. I found great pleasure in watching a handful of fools float along in what we could obviously see was a total farce. If I was a high school drama teacher, I would use this show as a near perfect example of Dramatic Irony. Additionally, there’s always been something so comforting in its predictability, in the familiar story lines the show always seemed to follow. (Bad girl woos the Bachelor, the other girls fight about it, the girl who brings it up to the Bachelor will immediately be sent home, and, ultimately, a total nob wins, and then they break up six months later.) I’ve always been drawn to things that walk the breathtakingly fine line between heartwarming saccharine and gut-wrenching desperation. And as miserably as I’ve failed in my own relationships, I get sweet release watching people humiliate themselves for “love” on national television.
But. Something has changed this season. I just don’t think I can open myself up to The Bachelor. I am not getting Vulnerable this time around, like at all. I’m not Ready To Find Love with Juan Pablo. I’m not prepared for The Journey. After thinking about, while putting off some very real work assignments that are overdue, I think I’ve figured out why.
1. El Problema de Juan Pablo
Juan Pablo has already revealed to us all why he is a terrible Bachelor. His anti-gay comments on some red carpet somewhere ruined the fun. Not only were the comments supremely ignorant, but they felt like a record-scratch in the middle of our magical dance. I suddenly realized: in order to fully immerse myself in The Bachelor, I really need the protagonist (male or female) to be as plain vanilla as possible; a smiling, frozen Teddy Bear who can absorb whatever drama the producers choose to inflict upon him or her. And Juan Pablo held great promise for that role, especially since English is his second language, thus making his cluelessness even more perfect. He’s rich, he’s handsome, and he’s dull - but not because he’s stupid per se, but because, you see, he’s not from around these here parts! All the better for the girls in the house and us at home. We need a blank surface upon which we can project our ideal version of a man (or punching bag, depending). But after his little oopsy on the red carpet, the surface is blank no more. Juan Pablo has been ripped from our fantasies and thrown into the cold hard news cycle. It’s like when Tom Cruise did too many weird things in the press. I can’t watch him in a movie anymore without thinking “Cruise, you crazy.”
Of course, as it goes with these things, Juan Pablo has issued an apology, claiming that the word “pervert” was simply a mistake because English is his second language. Which was hardly a defense, because if you listen to all of his comments, his intention is very clear. And with that, the fantasy is gone.
Yes, we’ve had really terrible Bachelors before, but the things that made them terrible were hilarious building blocks for my jokes (e.g. Ben with the terrible hair, Sean with the obvious virginity). I don’t find this stuff about Juan Pablo to be good fodder. It just makes me sad.
2. Diane Wasn’t Real
Remember on Thanksgiving, when that guy Elan live-tweeted his fake airplane feud with a woman named Diane? There was a fair amount of debate about whether Elan was a douche for tricking all those people into following him on Twitter. A lot of people were celebrating the whole exchange, making him out to be a hero, while others pointed out that telling an apparently sick woman to “eat my dick” may have taken it a bit too far. Ultimately, what bothered me about it was Elan’s attempts to act like a hero after the thing went viral, before he finally had to admit that it was fake. In the end, it felt like we all got used for Elan’s own gain. I could write a whole thing about it, but it’s old and tired now, and I really could care less. BUT.
I have a lot of shows coming up in New York, plus some shows in San Francisco and D.C. Come to one if you can!
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